ishfaaq

mild

2011-01-04T02:38:00.002+08:00

somewhere along the journey i shed the ability to feel. i've become afraid to venture out of a certain range if there was a possibility that it would open floodgates to higher degree emotions. i stop myself before these emotions can even leak out.

that should explain why i usually remain silent when someone tries to pour their feelings. i factor in the feeling of regret on hindsight should i express extreme emotions.

this has been going on for a long time that it's just ingrained. i don't know how to feel anymore. my cousin ali broke a vase when he got locked out of the house. when i get locked out, i utter silent curses for 5 seconds and then my mind goes blank. it was a form of calmness that i was proud of but it's begun to feel unhealthy and unnatural.

truthfully, it feels like i'm just alive so i can die.

flip over

2010-08-31T02:15:00.005+08:00

what is up with guys willingly building me majestic sandcastles just to trample on it while i helplessly watch. take me to the past with a multiple paged letter as a window to your soul and a picture album from our history as a prelude to a card that described how repulsive i am to you. take me into the future where i am your cleopatra and we have ball playing babies of our own and build our lives from there and then leave me to grapple with the words you so easily dispense.

i never asked for a sandcastle. i never asked for 21 missed calls or for you to be so handicapped when i'm gone. i never asked for your limitless passion or for the promise of your return where you will gallantly kneel before me with a ring. i never asked for any of that. and you fools readily offer me the world, only to fall short.

all i wanted was for us to feel like we're stargazing at the vertex of the pyramid and believe in the prospect of us in a different dimension, in another world or another lifetime. for us to grasp and embrace that from the day we met, you and i exist in our own perfect little world. and that a lifetime of love between romeo and juliet or samson and delilah can never compare to the one we shared for the brief period that we were together. for a story that will make fairytale characters envious.

but really, if you had just wanted to break my heart, go ahead and shatter it beyond recognition. that'll hurt less than the cracks my heart has had to endure.

and if you think this is about you, it isn't. you were a cross reference.

u & i

2010-05-18T21:18:00.002+08:00

words. they're losing effect on me. your words. are weightless. faces. they're losing familiarity. you face. is just another in a sea of unfamiliar faces. you. i've lost regonition for in my memory. and i. i care because that's just basic. i ache because i believe. and i believe because i know.

embrace

2010-04-18T23:34:00.000+08:00

let it click

2010-04-14T01:46:00.001+08:00

deepest first cut

2010-03-08T23:42:00.002+08:00

dear john, twilight, blablabla, same thing. boy with history, chapters. average girl doing just fine. and then love, four letter word for emotional blackmail.

and then hate, four letter word for nursing a broken heart. nah, i'm fine.

the games that play us

2010-03-03T01:33:00.004+08:00

at first, when i saw it, i turned away. and now, i just stare at it until it stopped hurting. because it makes me feel strong. so, it's stopped hurting. and i can stare all day, baby. it's stopped hurting.

and now, it doesn't feel like anything anymore.

there.

2009-12-30T23:51:00.002+08:00

i think deep down somewhere i'm actually a nice person. even if no one else agrees, i'm sure i'm nice. sometimes. at least? like, i may be a lot of things or i may not be a lot of things, but i can't not be nice. right? i can't not have at least an ounce of nice in my genetic make up.

and because i'm nice, i have to do this. it gives me peace. a little. i think. and if this reaches where it's supposed to then we'll know that God wanted it that way. all i'm saying is, please take care of yourself. i'm too weak to take care of us both. so you're going to have to step up and do it. but please do. =)

white horse

2009-12-21T14:11:00.000+08:00

lose lose

2009-12-13T02:44:00.002+08:00

i seem to be losing a lot lately. like i lost my bestfriends to other countries india, amsterdam, malaysia hellooo. i think i've lost mal to shab or low pp8 or both. and i've lost a lot of money. well, i spent it, more like. and i lost weight, not that that's something to complain about. but really! where have all the great things gone to?

micro blogging

2009-12-09T23:19:00.000+08:00

my heart aches.

detox day 2

2009-12-04T00:42:00.004+08:00

today was supposed to be easier because i'm not in singapore. and proximity was supposed to play a part. but i woke up with a surprise that angered me. especially after what i saw the night before. i'm so pissed.

when life flows one way towards happiness why paddle upwards right? yeah, why? YOUDONTGETTOAPPEARINTHEMORNINGLIKESOMEKNIGHTINSHINNING
ARMOURANDFREAKINGPADDLEWITHFGIRLSINTHENIGHTOKAY.
THATISNOTFUNNY.

i'm healing. i am so zen. i am. =) see?

detox day 1

2009-12-03T01:40:00.004+08:00

i shouldn't document my healing process right? i caved a little today. but it'll get better tomorrow. cos i found my weakness and i know how to avoid it. it should be easy at least for the next few days. plus! avoiding it=preventing heartache=better. and isa would get to help if i'm still not better when i get back. which should be unlikely because i am strong galz. i hope.

and since i caved today, might as well right?

WOW. SMOOTH MOVE. WAY TO GO. THANKS FOR MAKING IT EASIER. YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT. HAHA. CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT BUT I'LL CALL IT AS I SEE IT. AND THAT'S 10 STEPS BACK FOR YOU.

game over

2009-12-02T00:06:00.004+08:00

you know how sometimes you're just sure about something right? yeah. i'm not. i'm not sure. and i wasn't sure. there wasn't a reason why i should stay. and even at this negotiating stage, when i'm swaying, you give me reasons not to sway towards your direction.

maybe you like to be safe. put in effort where it's a sure win. but maybe i like to be safe too. it wasn't great the first time and it wasn't great the second time. there's no reason for it to be great the third time. yeah you say you've changed and you realize your mistakes that it's all your fault so it'd be different this time. but we've heard this before. let's discount the fact that i don't see your transformation, you can't keep up that act for long. before we know it, it's back to square one and somehow i'm the one who caused that.

what is it i am supposed to believe? that you regretted your irrevocable actions that's why you tell me i'm not a friend? that you feel so empty inside when i'm gone that's why you try to fill the hole with cheap, substandard, inferior replacements for me? and we've gone over this before. you know my psycho moments and how it would make me feel. talk about being selfish. who's doing that now? if you cared a little you would at least consider me. but no, it's all about doing what's "legal" now. that it's not a crime so why not? it's a game to you. so don't tell me you love me. it's not true.

why am i the one who stays up taking it all in? why should i be?

i cannot trust you with my heart. you balance it on one finger and spin it around like it's a ball. and if you ask me, i'd say you're out of chances. so you can sit and play your mind games forever but i am done. it hurts, i won't lie but i'll get over this pain. it will get better. and i'll be just fine. i am done.

uses and gratification theory

2009-11-30T18:41:00.002+08:00

we use media to gratify ourselves, to alleviate loneliness and to divert problems. to gratify ourselves. this explains why i (want to) watch the twilight series. not for edward/robert pattinson, not for jacob/taylor lautner. because when i watch twilightnewmooneclipsebreakingdawn, i think of edward and how he treats bella like she's worth a million bucks and more. and i want my edward.

and when i watch one tree hill, i think haley converting bad ass nathan into NATHAN. and i want my NATHAN.

and when i watch grey's anatomy, not for mcsteamy or mcdreamy, i think of the soft patient side of derek who tolerates the dark and twisty side of meredith. and i want my derek.

no, i don't watch too much tv.

in all honesty

2009-11-27T23:28:00.002+08:00

once upon a time, i thought i'd be the one to tame you. to break the curse. to transform the frog into a prince with one perfect kiss. i thought i could take all the bad things away with one soothing touch on your face. because i'm that special to you and because you and i fit like two perfect puzzle pieces.

i thought what happened last year cut deeper than that. that a year without me felt like death. like the air was so thin you could hardly breathe. because i barely survived it. and i tried to make it better this time. because to have that hope back after having lost it made all the little things like =) and good morning and goodnight and handsome and whines and sharing and i'm home and brb and assurances seem so tiny. i could do this, hold up my end and be this contributing half of a couple. and it would all just work out because you'd be dying to try anything, to take a 180 and all the expectations would just dissolve into meaningless particles because going cold turkey taught you what it was like without me. but it really was just fine, wasn't it?

i wanted to love you. i wanted to step over that puny hurdle. and i want to forgive you. i want to believe that your head was in a mess. that you didn't mean to. that it just happened. but i can't be that stupid. i can't stick around and wait for something bigger to confirm that this is not worth it. that i deserve more than to sit through a worse replay of last year's performance. and worst of all, you're not even sorry.

true colors

2009-11-26T10:19:00.006+08:00

When I get to Warwick Avenue

Meet me by the entrance of the tube

We can talk things over a little time

Promise me you won't stand by the light

When I get to Warwick Avenue

Please drop the past and be true

Don't think we're okay just because I'm here

You hurt me bad but I won't shed a tear

I'm leaving you for the last time baby

You think you're loving but you don't love me

I've been confused, out of my mind lately

You think you're loving but I want to be free

Baby, you've hurt me

When I get to Warwick Avenue

We'll spend an hour but no more than two

Our only chance to speak once more

I showed you the answers, now here's the door

When I get to Warwick Avenue

I'll tell you baby that we're through

I'm leaving you for the last time baby

You think you're loving but you don't love me

I've been confused, out of my mind lately

You think you're loving but you don't love me

I want to be free, baby, you've hurt me

All the days spent together, I wished for better

But I didn't want the train to come

Now it's departed, I'am broken hearted

Seems like we never started

All those days spent together when I wished for better

And I didn't want the train to come! Oh, oh

You think you're loving but you don't love me

I want to be free, baby, you hurt me

You don't love me, I want to be free

Baby, you've hurt me

didn't think i needed to tell you you were on probation so you'd be on best behavior. and you were doing so well. nice acting.

save it

2009-11-25T00:49:00.002+08:00

so freaking save it. save your sob stories, save your apologies, save your fake realizations. save it. you've managed to numb and freeze the final soft spot i have for you. no amount of apologies can thaw it now. so just save it.

dead and gone

2009-11-24T23:11:00.003+08:00

i dreamt for strolls in the meadows. for wind to blow in our faces and ruffle our hair. for us to be calm and our world to be so serene that we can hear the beautiful sound of our heartbeats in harmony.

i dreamt for squabbles to end with you gallantly taking the blame regardless of who started what because it pains you to see me unhappy.

but not you. never you. you analyse and dissect and inspect the micro details and exonerate yourself because it hurts your ego to wear the pants every now and then.

and don't be ungrateful. i let you unload your crap on me when you're all alone at night and i'm not a friend? don't be ungrateful.

and for today, thanks for teaching me what love is not. you make it so easy for me to leave.

this is me

2009-11-15T01:35:00.002+08:00

i'm the girl who messes up over and over again. i'm the girl who is stuck in the not so merry go round. i'm the girl who constantly needs to be rescued only to relapse again. i'm the girl who needs a guardian angel. i'm the girl who needs fluffy white pillows to cushion my falls. i'm the girl who breaks at every blow. i'm the girl who selfishly takes without wanting to give. i am that girl.

~and you are not the guy for that girl.

for you

2009-11-03T21:30:00.002+08:00

you were supposed to find it charming. that i would rather spend the night suppressing crazy images, bleeding to death than to disallow you to meet a friend because i would never admit i was jealous. that i would secretly look back to look at you but deny to no end if you ever caught me looking. that i would never admit i find anyone a threat because admitting that means i'm admitting that there's a chance someone is better than me, that i have a close substitute. you were supposed to find it charming.

WHALE

2009-09-28T02:24:00.001+08:00

isn't that just about the most unflattering label? random bitches are dolls and barbie and sweet and sugar and hourglass and you insist on being called WHALE? and not even for the positive feature of whales either. how twisted.

I DONT CARE AS OF NOW, RANDOM BITCHES ARE CASTS OF PLANET OF THE APES.

my turf

2009-07-27T12:22:00.003+08:00

i love how everything is by my rules, my way or the highway, how i have the upper hand, how i'm being pampered, how you think my feet are too soft to deserve contact with the coarse ground, how my hands are to delicate to be subjected to any form of harshness, how i like to take and you like to give. i love how it's always all about me. me me me me ME.

you treat me like a princess who deserves royal treatment because (i suppose) you are in love with me, the concept of, the abstract. because (i suppose) you genuinely find me fabulous, like i'm the rare precious crystal you should never drop. because (i suppose) you think being at the receiving end of my attention is a privilege that you can be stripped, denied of at any second; therefore you treasure it with your life.

and yet, i could only possibly love you with all my broken heart. and even that, i havent. i'm sorry, i know you think i dont owe you anything, much less an apology. because you (think you) can love me even if i cant/dont/wont love you back. because you can love me even if it was my back you are watching walk away with a person who is not you in my hand.

but of course love or being in love is as sacred as my virginity, even more so now than ever. i've armored my heart because it's still recuperating. because i'm tired of picking up the broken pieces.

fix me

2009-07-14T00:36:00.002+08:00

so here's what i do: i take you high up and drop you from such great intense height just to sadistically watch you crumble to your knees once you've served your purpose. and your purpose is to fix, if only temporarily, this hole in my chest left by the previous person i let in. so bloody fix it!

now, how in heaven's name did you manage to stay this long? you've overstayed your welcome. you've forfeited, expired and exhausted any form of claim or influence on me. or you should have. leave! what, was the fact that all that was said and done not enough to make me hate you, to find your very existence repulsive and the fact that even after all of that and 10 months later, it's still so hard to let go, to move on and to no longer want, was this supposed to count for something?

why does everything compare to you and fail? why must you define and dictate what i like and what i do not? mostly, why did you have to be that awesome guy that turned into a monster in my hands, upon my touch?

shout outs!

2009-07-03T09:40:00.009+08:00

isn't it a total given to decline, politely but IMMEDIATELY, when a guy who is one half of a couple asks you out? for the basis that to even consider the offer and fake weigh the moral significance of that alone is already sinful and unethical. buuuut i guess i am just morally bankrupt that way. sorry to disappoint my friends. okay pause for a moment, shut up eh with the principles and girl code and guilt trip preaches. you guys are so excited to hear the dirt rightttt? i can see mal with pompoms, dinah providing coffee and donuts, hernie with placards (because she's been the only one to say no but secretly wants to find out as well) and dood, i can see you squirming in your seat eh. if anything i'm just a scapegoat please. hahaha bitches.

anyway, resume. in my defence, i didn't accept in a heartbeat okay. i asked about the other half, took 12 hours to finally decline but reschedule. oops. HAHA.

i guess life is fair after all. it's been throwing lemons that i conviniently deflect and now it's throwing boys. okay, no but remember when i said life mimicks the business/economic cycle? i am at the recovery stage.

(for those without rudimentary econs knowledge. losers. econs rocks!)

so basically(HAHA to hernie), life's not so sucky anymore. probably because i've stopped giving a crap, my financial status isnt so pathetic anymore, i dont feel so fat anymore, i've got new excitement(s). let's hope karma will retire and be a thing of the past when i reach prosperity.

self help

2009-06-28T19:44:00.004+08:00

If you cling to you pride, and just push them aside I'm a survivor When you try your best but you don't succeed We beat the odds together When you lose something you can't replace You forget where the heart is You're gonna be the one who saves me And he kissed me 'til the mornin' light But I won't face the ground Won't you be my inspiration, be the real love that I need When you're too in love to let it go And everything, everything will be fine Feels the way I do about you now Certainly the Lord will guide me where I need to go I never thought I fall for you as hard as I did If it's a broken heart then face it You play with girls all day Call me every night So now you find you're on your own You are my sweetest downfall

i'm running out of reasons to live on. the only one i can think of is the fact that i am afraid of going to hell when i die.

walk with me

2009-06-23T13:14:00.002+08:00

now i remember why i blog. because people always disappoint. people leave when they can, when they want to, when it doesn't involve them, when it's not their problem. people are only for good times.

i dont need you to lift all or even half my problems and carry on your back. i need you to make it go away, i need you to wave your magic wand and vaporize the sucky cloud above my head.

2 cents

2009-06-11T21:59:00.002+08:00

for what it is worth, it is beautiful and magical and right now, it is still safe. it's a monument, a reminder-every contour, every door opens to a memory.

i'll admit, i've been avoiding feelings, emotions, fear anger hurt, focusing on the good stuff, the bright side, in hope to forget. but i was just numbed. my feelings were frozen, stored aside. then now, as the warmness of my recent encounter thaws what was frozen, everything hits like a train wreck. a tad too much to handle all at one go.

i thought i came prepared, pocketed shirt and all, but it shot me, like tranquilizer, the scent i know and love, that diffused through my body like the red liquid that is my blood. it was a reminder. a reminder of something i no longer have. but i wanted to live it by the moment, for the moment. i wanted to have healed. to be the healer. to rub backs, to squeeze arms, to wipe tears, to mend broken wings. to mend your broken wings and set you free. no regrets, nothing. but i haven't healed. yet i felt a little of everything. the good and bad. the happy and sad. confusing yes, but at the same time certain.

but that was yesterday, about 24 hours ago. now the moment is over. it's gone. and i am hallow again, back to being incapable of feeling.

somebody save her

2009-06-09T12:12:00.001+08:00

i've seen it happen before my very (beautiful, HAHA) eyes how two totally mismatched people so obviously not meant to be together insist on hanging on to the sentimental value of their history only to become monsters to each other. but the past is the past. what's inevitable is how people change how things change, situations change. you may be perfect right then but now's not then.

therefore move on. why hang on to the person who is no longer what he was, who is only a beast version of himself, less of a man (although, i must concede he's still great as friends, no personal complains about him from me)towards you? fight for something that is worth fighting for. why prioritize him, worship the ground he walks on and wait on your hand and foot for someone who only regards you as an option?

i'm no love doctor but i highly prescribe you to love yourself or at least set aside some self respect before you attempt to manifest love to another being.

holy cow

2009-06-07T00:25:00.003+08:00

so mal thinks my entries are either a) psychotic/suicidal or b) very APE KAU hard to understand. but really, a) i'm not psychotic (i promise) nor have i ever considered suicide (i'd rather kill everybody than take my own life) and b) it's kind of meant to be hard to understand because i put a thought of tomorrow as my (delicate, HAHA) fingers race across the keyboard. it's the only way i can face the world. imagine me blatantly, openly pour my heart out to a declared undisguised someone. i would only be giving him/her the pump to inflate his/her ego. er, no thanks.

anyway, a few weeks back, at a wedding, i asked my uncle if a certain guy was ____ he said yes and encouraged me to talk to him defying all protocols, all excited that i was apparently displaying keen interest in an arab guy. his namesake, no less. come to think of it, i had a crush on this guy once. for his cute hair (his crowning glory), his cute vespa, and the posh car his dad drives (convertible beb). oh and his dad's balding head. heck, his dad's BALD head, who am i kidding seriously. it's just cute.

but i've recently developed an acquired liking for mats (thanks to minahspeak who glorified minahism), the crudeness, the cockiness, the kedai kopi lepak lifestyle, the matness of it all. well, infatuation more like. but a liking all the same. super stand up comedy. i'll just laugh at every word breathed. out. breathed out? haha like the he who was a safe rider. hello funny kpee! and then today, well waay earlier today, like at 2? i realize it just got old. infatuation, remember?

just as i was about to let my guard down, if only the first barricade, you retreat. that's cowardly. not to mention rude. well, i never wanted anything anyway. the whole damn time, i was just bored and being nice. extremely nice to be more accurate. you didnt play your cards right, you waited and wasted. so the exit's that way. bubbye now.

these feelings

2009-05-27T23:47:00.003+08:00

these feelings i've come to know

these feelings never ceased to grow

these feelings i kept suppressed

these feelings left unexpressed

these feelings with which i cannot part

these feelings i feel with all four chambers of my heart

these feelings you forgot

these feelings for which you never fought

EXcapades

2009-05-21T01:15:00.003+08:00

we all take a little trip down ex's avenue once in a while right? just to take a look around, trying to find out what's changed while taking gigantic steps to maintain stealth, wondering the 'what could have been's but at the end of the nostalgia, the playback, we comfort ourselves with how things would have never worked out, with reminders of the pain we've had to endure and how we would have done the same thing in any circumstance anyway. but maybe that's just me. i shouldn't speak for the rest of us right?

there is one thing though that i'm sure everyone would totally agree with me. next time, as if there is going to be one, don't ask me to be your girlfriend when you are only starting to like me. that's such an ultiMAT bodoh move please. so don't act like i'm the bitch who's acting all weird and hostile. that's all on you.

and what can i say about you? you've raised the bars, setting standards quite high there, my once upon a time boy. not many can meet.

brace face

2009-05-20T23:32:00.002+08:00

today i functioned in total slow mo. i believe the same snail overtook me five times kpee. i woke up 3 hours after my alarm, it took me an hour to get to bukit gombak when on a regular normal speed day, it would have taken a quarter of that time. i forgot my wallet and walked ever so slowly. that's why.

i suspect (kuat, haha sempat selit minahspeak amidst the mendak mood nampaaak!) the lethargy and laziness have got to do with the metal bits stuck on my teeth that rips me off oral comfort. feels like annoying little people are thugging on your nerves and the pain causes a headache. damn these metals and now the damn bands are super in your face green. and yeah the dentist wanted to recede my gums and do this and that to my mouth macam i'm some experiment he must conduct in order to complete his secret mission to take over the world with dentistry brilliance.

that whole teeth issue and the fact that i'm sleep deprived tahap last warning. BUT please eh dinah stop the guilty conscience all eh. i dont mind sacrificing sleep for this. i love what i do so it's not much of a sacrifice really. i dont mind not sleeping but i hate the effect the lack of sleep has on my body, on me. it totally zombifies me. you have no idea how many typos i've made in this entry alone.

quite the bitch

2009-05-17T02:05:00.002+08:00

today was a fluctuation of cranky menopause bitchiness. of course there were awesome moments but mostly, i was just a bitch. i woke up on the wrong side of the bed wanting to phone every damn person i have a bit of problem with and giving them a piece of my mind and telling them, should they attempt anything in their defence, that i called to talk, not to discuss or listen so save it for when they call me. to which, i probably wouldnt answer or maybe i would but my ear is not going to be glued to the phone because whatever they have to say, i dont want to hear.

so amidst the cranky manopause bitchiness, i accidentally gave mal a slap. smack squarely on her cheek. and just yesterday, i swung my arm and hit bee on her face too. i've apologised, but truly and sincerely, i'm apologising again. i didn't mean it. i swear. the whole thing felt surreal anyway like it didnt even happen althought i vividly feel the sensation and the whole cheek in my hand bouncing off thing. maybe my hand was possessed, or it was just reflex, knee jerk reaction whatever. even then, it's no excuse. i'm not making excuses. i'm apologising. so, i'm sorry. i have violent tendencies now. shit.

tissue issue

2009-05-16T02:20:00.004+08:00

i dont trust myself to keep my hands from creeping under the table to find yours. i dont trust myself to pull away when/if your hands come creeping under the table to find mine. i think i may actually love you. it hurts so much that i want to have you around but i just cannot. but we are not good for each other. you are the cling wrap around my heart that suffocates it. we were not good together. it hurts so much that i want to wish i was a different person so we can be together. but i'm not. and we are not good together. and if i have to be a different person to love you, then maybe i dont love you enough.

off limits

2009-05-09T12:10:00.003+08:00

firstly and most importantly, not only am i not your "baby", i may never be your "baby". i'm sorry. it's really a bad idea to get tangled in all of this. we were both off limits quite obviously from the very start even if there is no "apparent harm". but of course there is, there always will be when you want to add me to the equation. furthermore, this is all too soon. DON'T tell me you are sure.

*****

now, what do you do when mr love has a "missus" (who dedicates her life to public declaration of the "love" she and mr love share) and/but is flagrantly hitting on you in a shockingly unapologetic manner? you attempt to remain neutral but you are only human and curious how far this/he will go. subtle push? 10 POINTS!

*****

when did my life get so exciting?

REPENT!

2009-05-07T00:14:00.002+08:00

okay so now, i'm just being a bitch right. truth: i'm not interested. fun fact: you are. but, you flirt with no flair boy. i sense your special attention and efforts and i just feign innocence and oblivion.

sucks how "oops its not my fault you think i like you back, i had no idea you wanted something out of this" work on nice guys who are most undeserving. you are a nice person i can tell. that's just transparent. and i'm too callous, i won't do any good. in time, you'd get bored or realize your mistake. wait, this isn't even about you.

so i hear you'll take it like a man. we'll see about that. or i should totally just stop now right? urgh, as flattering as it was when it started, i'd rather it didn't. the fact that you started this makes you another life i'd be ruining. sorry.

mascara magic

2009-05-05T02:25:00.002+08:00

i think i'm a prt of something i was a part of before and from my previous experience and what's plain to see, things have the potential to get hideous. unlike the last time though, i clearly know now. so now, oblivion can no longer be a comfort.

funny. this is all so wrong and messed up, ever so exciting but waaay beyond wrong. and i'm attracted to it. i thought i attract the wrong kind of..stuff. but someone thinks i'm attracted to the wrong kind of stuff. i cant argue that it is appealing to me. the thrill, like a breath of fresh air with warm flush of contentment. like maneuvering around a sharp bend on the verge of crashing. i love it. its so refreshing.

i know i'm playing with fire, 2 different fires, 2 different flames. and that there are repercussions. as long as i can catch myself before i fall, before it gets too messy, i'm just a girl having fun. and damn this is fun. i should have given a crap a long time ago.

fall apart

2009-04-24T22:47:00.003+08:00

i just have to come to terms, if coming to terms is even possible, with my moronic ways and how i'm the biggest blondest unfortunate breathing creature in the world, which leads me to unnecessarily waste money. and no, this is beyond the fact that i insanely own 23 pairs of shoes (some never even worn outside the compound of my abode, some still hiding in my closet from my mom) and 20 bags and countless accessories. it's bigger than my superficial material possessions.

the primary problem i suspect is some screwed up wires in my brain or system. i'm so ahkasfhiorujs i'm ashamed of myself. god, seriously, what is wrong with me???? haha i dont even know where to start fixing.

excusee YOU

2009-04-13T21:51:00.002+08:00

where do you get off giving me the "lessons in life" lecture? you have no right. we're not in a relationship or whatever, save your father figure act. i dont need it thank you very much. what connects us is strictly professional. so stay on your side of the line.

so you prefer to beat around the bush, you think i'm too blunt, straightforward and that the text messages i send are curt and hostile. disagree with my ways, please be my guest. but dont expect me to change on your account, the same way i dont expect you to change on mine.

forbidden fruit

2009-03-31T23:10:00.002+08:00

you can't help who you love, i think i get that. there exists a certain form of attraction you simply cannot ignore. attempts of absence only make the heart grow fonder. and the universe, the entire universe gives you endless reasons as to why not; why, by virtue, it is wrong. all wrong. why you and i are not supposed to be. but all of that, all those reasons, are like mountains that you THINK you can climb with minimal effort, obstacles that you THINK you can overcome. and that they, they just dont understand. of course, it would be nice to think that we are bigger than that. that we'll survive with our love.

but maybe this isnt love. maybe this is the remnants of my now decaying lust for you. maybe i'm just seduced by you, enticed my the mere idea of you. ever thought of that?

cold turkey

2009-03-19T01:09:00.000+08:00

one of us had to be strong baby. and since you were not, i had to single-handedly be strong for you. for me. it may not have been the best version of strong but it was the only way i knew. you weren't helping either. now i'm exhausted baby. i cannot do it anymore. now you do it baby, you be strong.

BUT, just so you know, YOU were the reason behind that version of strong. YOU. you were the impetus, the driving force, the catalyst, the freaking enzyme. now, quit pretending like you suffered from something to which you were a motivating factor, you sick sad ass *******

mafia style

2009-03-15T14:23:00.003+08:00

yesterday, i got to drive my daddy's benz, his favorite car that i thought i needed to die and come back to life 3 times before i'd be allowed behind the wheels. apart from its over-elevated accelerator pedal, it's a lot easier to handle compared to the other ghetto cars my dad lets me drive.

we had a pretty funny mafia congregation at the mafia headquarters aka family meeting at khala mas' house and the 5 mafia cars parked outside tried, but failed, to be inconspicuous. so as usual, the agenda over the feast sidetracked from property to politics to religion to family to drugs...haha no la, no drugs. just weapons. HAHAHA

i seriously think my dad's a mafia. there's this tiny crack on his windscreen that seemingly appeared like a bullet was trying to penetrate through. and he'd stand on an alley leaning on his car cursing the random pedestrians that walked by while nab and i laugh hysterically at the string of vulgarities he assembled, totally amused. while he's so gangsta towards the people who do not share our biological make up, he's a total opposite with us. he'd buy us anything we want, make excuses for the inexcusable mayhem i cause on the road, crack jokes and when we leave, he'd give us hugs and kisses and moolah. awesome right.

4E3 outing

2009-03-11T13:04:00.001+08:00

haha yes our class only has 4 people. the rest weren't invited because er...hmm. anyway, i hope i'm not overdoing the happy posts just to prove a point! enjoy my lovely pictures my lovely friends.

DECADE #2

2009-03-10T02:10:00.002+08:00

SECOND DECADE SIA

ANXIOUS!

POKING CANDLES

YUM YUM!

WISHING HARD

BEACH-LIKE POSE BUT ACTUALLY....

POST GYM

LOVE LOVE

HELLO BIRTHDAY GIRL!

COOL AR?

RE:FLECTION

LOVE-HATE RELATIONSHIP (HA HA HA)

oh PLEASE

2009-03-09T11:43:00.005+08:00

REASONS I AM ALWAYS LATE:

1) i take 30 mins to shower, after i drag myself out of bed.

2) i have very few clothes to choose from so basically i'm rummaging fruitlessly for things that do not inhabit in my closet. and let me tell you, it literally takes FOREVER to find things that are not there. seriously, take my word for it.

3) traffic lights NEVER come in my favor especially when i'm rushing. when i reach the traffic light junction, the greenperson would already be blinking and no, i'm not going to run-because it's dangerous-so i'd have to wait for the next wave of green light.

4) when i reach the bus stop/interchange/mrt station, the bus or train would have already left and the next bus/train will come in 6 to 15 minutes.

7) sometimes things like, i took S's phone by mistake and had to return it while H waits patiently at my bus stop happens, or i take the wrong bus or the bus i'm waiting for only operates on weekends (hello zoo episode) or i was under the impression that there's a bukit panjang station 4 stops away from woodlands (hello first practical episode with R) or there's an abnormally slow traffic (hello first practical with A) and then i finally give up and decide to flag a cab but AMAZINGLY the cabs that actually come my way are hired, on call or not the blue comfort cab.

8) but please lorsxz, time is relative okay. so the reason i'm late is because you are EARLY. like, i'm never late with Hernie because she'd be late. so if dood stops being early, i'd stop being late. see my logic? =)

9) and if people insist on being early, i think i'd stop being late if i had a scooter to scoot in! right right right?!?!

10) so for your sake (HAHA), you know what to get me for my birthday. =)

bitter sweet

2009-03-05T01:11:00.000+08:00

i am aware the story i tell in my blog is replete with endless gloom and despair, so cut throat/slit wrist. but in truth, my life isnt all that tragic. haha. in person, i am quite cheerful, funny and i have occasional blonde episodes that are hilarious but not exactly my finest moments. i meet my friends almost everyday, we take crazy pictures, my lovely friends leave lovely stickies on my laptop, we play dress up, my bestest best friend is my neighbour, we go to the zoo, we hangz by the pool and at *$ to bitch, we have picnics and flea markets, i have arabian night parties with my cousins, i even have photo evidence.

my writings are severely skewed towards sadness and misery by choice i think. so dont judge me for the things i write. or judge, whatever i dont care. though, some may be highly inaccurate. happy things are etched quite deep they can withstand years of wear and tear. or documented in pictures. =)

i just tend towards negativity and harp on it. the pain i write about is amplified and blown waayyy out of proportion. because thats just how it is. i need to take a break from all the happy and funny i am in person. what's life without balance riiiight? haha (a bit endorsing HL eh!)

therefore, in essence, just to clear the common misconception, i really am a happy cheerleader slash chirpy sunshine person by day and ohmygodi'msomiserableishouldjustdie by night. and then there's you: sitting at the other end of the screen, reading. like you know what's going on. like you know me. hahahaha. this is fun. =)

empty vessels

2009-03-01T23:54:00.002+08:00

the reason you are winning *****, is because i'm not even competing. and i'm not going to. the prize is not even worth it. i already know i'm better than you honey. so maybe, unlike me, you still have something to prove. to yourself. not to me because seriously, i dont give six flying ***** about you.

DIG?

2009-02-21T04:57:00.002+08:00

dont you get it? hating YOU. how can you possibly miss such a bold message directed to YOU? was i supposed to spell it out for you? i did. you just had to read. did you think i roam around hating innocent bystanders? no. just you. hating you for what happened. hating you for how you CHOSE to deal with it. hating you and everything linked to you.

you had all those information potentially useful to redeem. to reconcile. to salvage what was left. you could have fought. and you would have won too. but you never did. i hoped you would sing those magical words but all the love you claim wasnt enough to want to keep me.

but it's okay. you can find the audacity to avoid any form of responsibility. i'll find a way to forgive you. because hating you chips parts of me away.

XOXO

2009-02-15T23:00:00.002+08:00

now remember darling, we were friends even before...before...um...before...hmm...even before your um hapless fate. haha. i'm inherently a bitch so excuse my pathetic attempt at euphemism. but really though, we were friends before that and we go waaay back. so you know i love you. we're friends. of course i do. and i'm here for you too. even if you dont want to be my friend, i'm still yours. i hope. haha. easier said than done baby, i know. but i'll try okay? and when you are done with your catastrophic phase, you'll know i'm here. or you can hope i am.

hug hug kiss kiss,
your favorite bitch.

sweetest downfall

2009-02-14T00:02:00.001+08:00

the hate i feel is epic uh. i'm just so full of hate. of rage. on the inside, my dying heart pulsates hate with every molecule of oxygen. and on the outside, hate just balloons until it's overtaken my body. but i liked hate for a while. hate is easy. hate makes things easy too. hate is morphine.

now, i feel the pain i have been pushing aside to embrace hate surging in. like my heavy doses of anasthesia have worn off. the pain i feel is like cancer that starts from the crux of my being and it spreads ever so painfully to the other parts of me once it's done with my heart. my poor poor heart.

cupid's a bitch

2009-02-13T01:46:00.004+08:00

someone said to tell the truth even if you dont care. but someone also said to tell the truth even if you dont care because you deserve the truth. but i'm not sure you do. and it's all a blur. there's not even a thin line that separates what you deserve from me and what you dont. and i'd rather deprive you from what you deserve than give you the satisfaction by revealing too much and infringing the area you do NOT deserve.

looks like you're doing to me what i was doing to you. mine was deliberate, though. yours, perhaps not. i had malicious intents. so that kind of makes me a bitch too huh? but who's keeping tabs of what mean things i do or what my scheming mind secretly intends to do to you right? i selfishly think i have free passes to slip a dagger,or two, right through your chest and maybe twist it a little too. but you dont. because you already slash my wounded heart everyday.

not quite

2009-02-11T02:11:00.003+08:00

i stayed to watch you, blinking tears. my aching heart watched you leave until you were gone. but i stayed to watch you. waiting for you. wishing you to come back. but not quite.

i like the person you pretended to be. what irony. would you pretend to be that person for me forever? why didnt you pretend to be that person forever when you had the chance? now it's too late. i already know you were pretending. now it's just too late. too late and you no longer care.

god sent

2009-02-11T00:22:00.003+08:00

my words speak through your mouth. or pen. or keyboard. (oh my god i want to marry you) well, all except better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. sometimes it's too much to have and lose. i'd rather not have. not love.

you break and when you think you've finally pieced everything back together you feel so numb you just want to shatter all over again. i think i shattered today. or maybe i managed to save a few pieces. but i shattered.

and you.dont.care.

tough love

2009-02-08T23:54:00.004+08:00

dear me,

if you give up now, everything you fought for, you and those who've fought with you, this whole time will go to waste. all the sufferings and pain you have endured will go to waste. and then you'll lose. you dont want to lose, do you? why surrender to the enemy? you are way better than that. so chin up, love. fight it. you've been doing it for this long. just a little longer. just a little longer. just a little longer. just a little longer. just a little longer.

stay my baby

2009-02-07T21:22:00.003+08:00

and then you realize that even after all that crap, the crap that should be enough to make you wash your hands clean, you just cant. even after all that crap. your organs, your gut, your heart, wrenched into absolute nausea. just burst and quit fighting it already. but you fight anyway. your ego would not let your weak frail heart win. not after all that crap. and your brain knows better too. thank god. it would be instantly appeasing to just quit fighting and be carried away by the waves, the current. but to your own demise and so you fight anyway. for as long as it takes, after all that crap, you fight.

i'm broken, baby. and remembering all that crap, is how i piece back what's broken.

perfectly flawed

2009-02-04T02:16:00.003+08:00

you said the flaws make it perfect. my flaws, our flaws make us perfect. i wanted you to fight for me. i wanted you to say that there's no one that you'd rather be with and that you would rather be alone than without me. but i am flawed. and those flaws were flaws that were never perfect. not to you.

my moped!

2009-02-03T14:49:00.003+08:00

the more i think about it, the more i'm convinced i want a cute little black scooter with pink flowers! or cute little pink scooter with colorful flowers or cute little white scooter with pink flowers. i want i want i want! my brother said he doesnt think my dad will allow me to actually ride a bike. so my conversation with my daddy in my head went something like this:

abah, can i get a scooter please? *batts eyelash several times, put on cute face
so dad says "of course" and takes out a thick wad of cash and says "knock yourself out."

ideally, that's how its supposed to go like. ideally.

i want my scooter! please please please please please!! of course, i'm quite shaken by the fact that i'd be riding on two wheels. two unstable wheels. but cute right! i'll just ride it around woodlands. maybe admiralty and sembawang too. ooh then i can actually have a legitimate reason to own a bomber jacket. hahaha and i dont even have my bike license. yet.

-now if dood can be efficient and pass me the pictures already...

party planning

2009-01-10T00:25:00.005+08:00

BIRTHDAY GIRL:SHARIFAH EVA SOFEA ALQADRIE!

EVA'S FIRST

CAKE AND WOMAN RESPONSIBLE FOR ITS BEAUTY

BOUNCY CASTLE WORS!

OUR HARD WORK

OH LOVELY PRESENTS

BESTFRIEND MAL

BESTFRIEND HERNIE

BESTFRIEND DINAH

YES I'M ALWAYS EATING

SPEAKER DUTY

BALLOON GUARDING DUTY

BIRTHDAY SONG

MY TEAM WON!

PARTY PLANNERS

PLANNERS GONE WILD; SMELL OF FOOT: OUR ECSTASY

PEACEFUL UNTIL...

THE GIANT CAME

FINALLY, MR PHOTOGRAPHER.

I CAN DO THIS FOREVER.

YOUR FAULT

2008-12-29T13:00:00.003+08:00

i'm a cross between a sweet harmless girl and a bitch with mega ego. lately, i've been the bitch. the miserable bitch. is that what you want to hear? i bet that's what you want to hear. it makes you glow with happiness. glory. like you've won. well, you have. happy? if that's what you want to hear, i'll give it to you.

you. you knew you weren't the best of Man. the best fitting piece. you knew. you weren't as partially blind as i was. you knew. yet you selfishly pursued anyway. you entered the door, initially charming your way through. even if it was a door i left unlocked, it was closed! YOU welcomed yourself. and you. knew. better. which is probably why you waited until i was hooked before you start giving me reasons to chase you out from a place you've grown accustomed to.

now, you. you think you can come and go whenever you like. well, you can. but i'm not going to allow it. it's not supposed to be seasonal. i didnt start anything for you. it's not my fault you haven't the ability to accommodate me. so you do what you like but keep me out of your drama. why should i stick around when you are so obscure and unsettled? you deal with that yourfreakingself. i've got things to do.

social butterfly

2008-12-14T19:51:00.002+08:00

it felt really good to finally be around my own people. having a common feature that binds us as one. despite our peculiar behavior (often unique to those like us) causing even ourselves to raise our eyebrows questioning and often disapprovingly frowning and shaking our heads, it was still strangely comforting. we could all connect. one way or another.

truly, ija's wedding was a load of great fun for all of us. the henna night at least. haha. our practically unrehearsed performances were hilarious. i nearly knocked the wall shelf because there wasnt enough space. and the whole time we were like, oh shit. oh my god. so embarrassing. good thing most of them were our aunts (who were extraordinarily supportive, cheering and dancing along). and the unwelcomed ami abdurrahman. sibuuuuuk eh. all the women were urging him to go to the masjid.

lately, we've been getting everything we've asked for. which was starting to be a biiiit scary. so when abah didnt allow nab and i to fly to dumai to attend ija's other wedding ceremony, i was secretly glad. although, i know he'd let us go if the event didnt coincide with our trip.

speaking of, i thought you'd jump into the opportunity to spend/savor every last moment especially knowing i will fly off tomorrow. but, i realize you were not this person i once knew. or maybe, what goes around really comes around. i didnt get about seeing muhammad and zafirah before they fly off to dubai and yemen (my apologies!) so i guess i deserve it? haha.

shoo fly

2008-11-30T00:40:00.003+08:00

i lay still in the darkness my mind in frantic search for something meaningful to grasp and cling on to as it replays the sequence of events, the order of our brief but intense encounter. and then it appears. a moment of clarity. like the heavy mist that had fogged my vision had passed. a moment of clarity. the brutal truth that screams loud and clear. a moment of clarity, that it had all been a lie. a bloody LIE. nothing more than an effort of someone desperate to convert fantasies into reality.

oh dear god, find me the meaning to my existence and may we explode in fireworks of joy. let the strength to forget engulf, if i may never forgive, the persons whom i have held grudges, those that i know have wronged me. take away my sorrows and eliminate every particle of pain i have felt and may feel. inundate me with the wealth of knowledge and wisdom. intoxicate me with felicity. oh dear god, find me the meaning to my existence. may we explode in fireworks of joy. because i am tired of hate. feeling hate.

"you never listen to a word i say. you only see me for the clothes i wear, or did the interest go so much deeper? it must have been the color of my hair."

you are now a fullstop at the end of a sentence in a page i've turned over.

lost in translation

2008-11-28T13:34:00.001+08:00

if a picture paints a thousand words, this video paints 3 thousand more, even with the bad translation

dust bunnies

2008-11-27T14:19:00.000+08:00

so i took several days off before my new post A's awesomeness plans kick off to sleep for 48 hours, sort things out-papers, computer files, color coordinate my closet (which i have yet to do) get rid of dust balls, there were even certain things that were previously untouchable though, maybe because i felt a need to preserve or hang on to them. some of my notes are so pretty! and informative of course. i'm such a sentimental pack rat, i know! haha. but they are now ancient history. so there.

anyway, in the midst of the sorting out process, i found some videos.

our pre olympic morning warm up. pjs, flat tyre, what baba doesnt know about the adventures her wheelchair had undergone.

HAHAHA

naughty boy!

that was the ultra hygienic baba who washes money (coins and notes) after coming home from the market and hangs them up on pegs to dry and uses tissue to press the lift buttons and who bands us from playing near the prayer corner in her room screaming "kotor"
check out how hamzah's trip became a cartwheel.

adios amigo

2008-11-22T11:11:00.001+08:00

my my my. you surprise me. just when i thought you were out of the equation, you waltz right back in and proved me wrong. that gesture was sweet, i must say i'm touched. maybe even a little flattered. haha. but it's beginning to wear off now. unless you do something about it, you are back at square one.

somehow, i love seeing you try. even if i know there's a high chance it's not you. it's cute. i think you know it's probably not me, too. and you are groping around for something that fits better. but you try anyway. or maybe you'll adjust so YOU'LL fit better. even then...

and yes, i have an innate need to speak in tongues just enough for me to know who/what i am talking about and for you to keep guessing. so if you think i'm making reference. ha ha ha. it's not you. or maybe it is. the sad part is, you dont know, probably never will. but, what you dont know cant kill you. go find solace in that.

2in1

2008-11-18T22:23:00.000+08:00

like riding on a ferris wheel of emotions. like a pendulum swinging from feeling to feeling. these crazy things you experience. you want yet you'd rather not have. you longed but you'd keep your distance. you reel in almost close enough and then you let go. almost.

you are never clear nor sure. ever. maybe it's the game you enjoy. like thrill is your toy. dont lie that i'm not the first person you think of, boy. but maybe it's the chase. or a phase. or the comfort of the safety net that won't be there for long. maybe you're not meant to be, maybe you just don't belong.

well, stop sitting on the fence, weakling. start choosing. take that chance and make it right. not just for you. for others too.

because the game, it's getting old.

common place

2008-11-17T11:52:00.001+08:00

yesterday, i went to see the dentist wanting red bands for my braces for ija's wedding, until the nurse flashed all the pretty colored bands and i fell in love with the purple one! but the dentist said he needed to do something that can only be done with a specific white band. i said, or whined whichever you prefer shreeya, "alahhhh whyyyyyy?!" and i then felt this unimaginable pain that caused me to grab the dentist's hand. i may have even pierced him with my ridiculously long fingernails. and he just said, "why dont you pretend it doesnt hurt." and then he laughed. i swear it almost sounded like an evil laughter. my eyelids flew open okay! what nonsense.

anyway, when i told my brother i was going to do something with my hair, he looked at me like i'm a dingbat and said, "why do you want to keep repeating the same thing over and over again, fadhilah? everytime you cut your hair you cry." true, but who said i was going to cut it? haha. and yes i did something to my hair!

oooh look at me; rambling about my day in my blog. that's right. i'm telling random strangers more than what i tell you. so note your significance, doormat.

everytime i see my dad he gives me money. the last time he gave me 50 which i gave my momma to make up for all the times i've used her card like her bank account has no upper limit. haha. he gave me $10 yesterday. i think it was the only dollar he had on him. haha. i said, wide-eyed, oooooh! wow thanks!! notice how i'm so in need of money?

stark naked

2008-11-05T14:23:00.003+08:00

If our love was a fairytale
I would charge in and rescue you
On a yacht baby we would sail
To an island where we’d say I do

And if we had babies they would look like you
It’d be so beautiful if that came true
You don’t even know how very special you are

You leave me breathless
You’re everything good in my life
You leave me breathless
I still can’t believe that you’re mine
You just walked out of one of my dreams
So beautiful you’re leaving me
Breathless

And if our love was a story book
We would meet on the very first page
The last chapter would be about
How I’m thankful for the life we’ve made

And if we had babies they would have your eyes
I would fall deeper watching you give life
You don’t even know how very special you are

You must have been sent from heaven to earth to change me
You’re like an angel
The thing that I feel is stronger than love believe me
You’re something special
I only hope that I’ll one day deserve what you’ve given me
But all I can do is try
Every day of my life

let me rewind~

every night

2008-10-06T23:12:00.002+08:00

you wish there were fingers at the end of the sleeves you hug so tight so they would fill the gaps between yours. interlock. and the smell you once knew, now barely there. slowly, consciously, you loosen your grip, letting go, knowing it's the right thing to do.

proving a point

2008-10-02T22:40:00.004+08:00

part-time lover

2008-09-23T23:49:00.003+08:00

to you, okay GREAT. to some other you, you dont get to ask questions.

meanwhile, i've the most wonderful friends. hernie, fad, mal and dinah (that makes HFMD so we're like a disease. ha ha) and then there's shreeya sheryl sharifah and er susan. we even have bottles with the letter 's' printed on them. except, the other 3 don't own the bottles. see how everything falls in place? great, NEXT.

time travel

2008-09-12T14:57:00.002+08:00

sweep me off my feet.
paint me a beautiful picture.
be there to catch me when i fall.
rescue me.

only...
it's too late now.

meaning less

2008-09-03T14:35:00.003+08:00

words written in codes never meant to be understood, in a manner none can completely comprehend. it's futile trying to decipher because these words for reading pleasure, do not mirror enough. and as you sit, reflect, you see the beast you've morphed into. disgusted. you just want to melt and seep into the ground so it'll all be over. over.

you've been pushed off a cliff, but you just dont die. the fall doesnt end. the misery doesnt end. it cannot. your screams contain within you. reverberating. loud. intense. make it stop. no one listens. you tire. you cannot carry on. you cannot. the only way out kills you. you want it to end but it'll kill you.

all that was forcefully given. you didnt ask for them. you dont want them. they kill you. they are sharks. they are trades for something you dont have. you are caught. dead. lifeless. anger. anger pulls you back on your feet. you stage your retaliation. it soothes you. drugged. you forget.

would you cross the bridge for me now?
i wished i only knew that much.

missing link

2008-05-27T18:52:00.003+08:00

i think there is one or a few that i JUST cannot put my finger on. i shouldn't need to try so hard. for every point i bring across, a rebuttal comes, slightly skewed away from the direction i was headed, which then leaves me confused and in desperate search for words that would explain. i tend to obfuscate more than i clarify.

i SWEAR my gestures were well-intended and yet they ALWAYS backfire. even with much thought and consideration and planning, whatever i choose is simply the wrong choice. and i keep thinking this is a bloooooody JOKE. that's just. ON. ME. it makes me mad and sick. and all these things that are laid out for me and for me to abide by.

a big hurdle is that i'm still unable to draw the distinction between saying something i myself am not certain just to provide ease or comfort or simply telling the truth. honesty is the best policy until i decide to take on it. it's like i have the touch of midas except everything i touch will turn black instead of the desired gold. and i feel like a big fat ugly liar when i promise something i'm not sure of.

sometimes i just want to scream SCREW YOU! or just laugh at how stupid everything is. and i am not made for such things. i can decide i'm craving or dying (for effect) for say, chicken rice and up till the nanosecond that the spoonful of it is just an inch away from my mouth, i can decide what i really want is popcorn.

and since this is something i choose to write, i guess i can anticipate an undesirable effect to correspond. or maybe the effect will only come because of the previous line i wrote.

"i dont know"

2008-03-11T02:16:00.000+08:00

an answer i knew was unacceptable, twice, yet it was somehow strangely true.

busy bee

2008-02-24T19:34:00.003+08:00

i'm splitting myself 28 ways and it's really exhausting. i'm trying so hard to accommodate every contingent of people or individuals to the best of my ability but help me out; forgive my shortcomings and lack of judgement in timing or proper planning. and i keep thinking, let me die of fatigue if it makes everybody happy. with every party trying to tell me what to do, it's kind of hard to take charge of my own life even though i know i should be.

pushover

2008-02-09T08:55:00.000+08:00

i've always thought i was a good friend. i'll laugh at your jokes or at least smile to be polite if it's not funny. or politely listen trying to cultivate some form of interest to what was being said. i let you make fun of me even if it's not enjoyable to me or even if it's annoying or if it hurts. i give in 90% of the time.

BUT i also have random moodswings, tend to neglect the people i care about and get carried away with somethings. so i deserve to be ignored. justified uh.

motor skills

2008-01-27T00:31:00.000+08:00

there is something seriously wrong with mine. i murdered 2 phones this year (and the year has only just begun) because my butter fingers drop it at least 3 times a day from unimaginable height sometimes following a projectile motion when i try, in vain, to grab it before it lands on hard surfaces.

and if you see some actions like somersaulting utensils such as the fork and spoon while eating with me, ignore and carry on feasting. nothing to see; it's normal. wait 5 minutes there'll probably be an encore.

just a few days ago, i was brushing my ("pearly white" i quote from my niece hannah) teeth, brushing brushing la la la, and the next thing i knew, my sexy red toothbrush was in the sink. don't ask me when in the course of moving my hands left and right and up and down (ie brushing my teeth aka maintaining pearly whiteness) did i lose the grip of the toothbrush okay because i have no clue.

KINDA CONTRADICTS MY PW HYPOTHESIS AND CONCLUSION RIGHT?

home schooled

2008-01-10T22:54:00.000+08:00

i think my parents are trying to teach me something, particularly my mommy actually because my dad has probably given up hope on me even after the whole value of money lecture i'm still out of control. for everything i want now, i'll have to pay a portion. i don't know how long this will last but i'm not saying i mind at all. except when things here are bloody expensive and the cheap things come with terms and conditions which somehow meanders to accumulate cost or when i'm bloody broke. OR when the things i want are a table and a bookshelf upgrading my "wants" status to a "needs" status. but, like i said, my mom's trying to teach me something.

today, she conned me into cooking. i saw the whole act but i did it anyway because i felt like cooking. later, she commended on my awesome, needless to mention, cooking and asked semi-jokingly what i was going to cook tomorrow.

love or lust?

2008-01-09T14:39:00.001+08:00

i say lust because the feeling walls only in the stomach and admittedly not in the heart. actions never fail to perplex; but, perplexity is expunged because the end is crystal clear. no doubt each step of the way has been enjoyed and exploited, witnessed by misled souls, yet we are still separate bodies never meant to be conjoined.

I need a soldier that ain't scared to stand up for me-

keepsake

2008-01-06T11:48:00.000+08:00

i think things have stopped making sense. that, and that they do not mean anything anymore. it's really like, i think they do mean something but then i think that you think that they do not mean anything so i think i'm thinking too much and so i start to think that they don't mean anything.

i've stopped probing. that's sad. and my english is so rudimentary. that's sad too. i'm living everything by the moment and FOR that moment too. once that passes, that's it. poof gone. no memories, nothing. that's it.

from here on, i'll try to be more astute.

gear 3

2007-12-31T15:41:00.001+08:00

resolutions do not work with me; so i shan't have any this year. i'll just do the best i can in every endeavor.

i'll be the good obedient girl who will run regularly, sit ups etc and eat healthy. or at least i'll try.

head damage

2007-12-23T00:51:00.000+08:00

just like humptey dumptey, i had a great fall. now i have perpetual headache because i hit my head on the toilet floor, bruises on my back on top of fits of paranoia.

and after 30 days, i realize i need my mommy to keep me grounded. i wish i had a guardian angel. a companion, someone to remind, to guide, and take care of me.

pro bono

2007-12-11T00:54:00.000+08:00

i've been happy lately; hence the lack of updates. see, when i'm happy, there's just nothing to talk about. sad is my inspiration. nyeh. not really.

i can think of so many things to buy when i get my first pay. except, i don't have a job yet. so we're really talking about the pre school allowance that i'm getting. i'm not thaat picky, seriously. all i want is a job with as little work as possible and with the most promising, encouraging pay for my lack of skills. haha. i'm just not the hair dye promoter kind, if that's alright with the rest of singapore.

i know i've showed potential signs of going mental when she was away, taking advantage of the time difference as well as drowning myself with episodes after episodes of grey's anatomy to fill my lonely heart (yeah right), but now that shreeya's back, did i neglect to mention she thought patrick (star) from spongebob squarepants was a big bombastic word? i asked trying to give a reason for her blur-ness if 10 days in new zealand has turned her into patrick and she said, i quote, "what's patric? don't use so many big words can!"

guess who?

2007-12-09T00:39:00.000+08:00

and so x thinks it's unfaithful to begin and end the day with the y who is not for x instead of the z who is the love of x's life. or so x thinks z is. x also feels it is simply unethical that every news about the micro changes in x's and every act of sheer stupidity x has executed as part of x's daily performance are reported, at x's own free will, to the y who is again not for x instead of the z whom x regards as x's soulmate. and as the days go by, z-the apple of x's eyes-begins to fade away. well, not exactly fade away. more like...imagine z is a book on x's shelf, x's favorite book. that has not been opened or touched in a long time. so dust begins to cocoon z, which is now a book. so beneath the thick layer of dust, z is not exactly fresh in x's mind. something like that. oh, not that x has begun to fall for y. no, nothing like that. because unlike most alphabets, x is not one who readily give way to rebounds. plus, lets not forget, y is just not for x. so like maybe z can make the move already? or the real soulmate in a form of another alphabet can step forward.

i'm sorry. my writing has become amateurish or whatever. overdose of grey's anatomy i think. SHREEBEE! i think it's time you fly back to the land where people are bored enough to come up with the merlion or i swear i'm going to borrow my dad's submarine and sink down under to fetch you myself. you know how i hate to pilot the stupid submarine. it's just so submarine-ish. EW

control freak

2007-12-03T12:15:00.000+08:00

i've cut my own hair for the past 3 years because i refuse to be tangled in the melodrama with the hairdresser. lately though, i've begun to open up and let other people control the scissors. over the past year, i've rebonded, cut and curled and i didn't make a scene when the hairdresser wraps up even though it wasn't EXACTLY what i had wanted. so i thought i was over the phase.

actually, i AM over it. but it doesn't change that i hate my hair now. the whole time the stupid hairdresser was like ya ya i know i know and telling me i'm very manja with her like she knows me very well just because i let her touch my hair once before this. she kept tugging and pulling my hair throughout shampooing and blow-drying. i jerked OW! she asked sakit? i screamed YES! and it was OW!sakit?YES! OW!sakit?YES! OW!sakit?YES! about 39 more times. what's the point of asking sakit when i already said OW and continue pulling despite me saying YES?

i came to your shop once and suddenly you know what i want? you read my blog and suddenly you know who i am? you write ONE letter and suddenly yo are a writer? the woman better thank her lucky stars i dont know how to curse in malay.

ok stop. i sound so shallow. it's not totally about my hair la. it's about how she's so confident i will like what she's doing which, evidently, i DON'T.

i'm hungry. i bet shreebee wants kfc now. i read this book and one of the characters, james, is quite like khalis. how they both like to tell tall tales and get away with murder. <--that was a figure of speech. anyway, james turned out to be a cheating, lying, two-timing, sad ass jerk. sorry. i wasn't the one who wrote the book.

ok bye people. i'm going to eat.

so long

2007-11-21T04:48:00.000+08:00

i do not expect to be understood, i do not demand respect. maybe all i wanted was my deserved rightful right to choice. does it kill anyone that i choose, based on my preferences, to be confined indoors, protected from the susceptibility that i may subject myself to should i choose otherwise?

this problem is intrinsic and self inflicted, i know, but not by choice, it's still 5am, i've only had an hour of sleep, my jaws hurt, my back hurts, i haven't slept in my bed in a week, i look like crap and i am tortured by this nagging noise at the back of my head like the tap is loose and the water is dripping. this isn't an excuse, neither is it an explanation nor a manner to gain sympathy.

how do i say the things i want to say without offending anyone without regrets without awkwardness that will arise? god forgive me. mock me for my weaknesses: i don't want to show myself to the world. i am afraid to be seen. but who's stopping the lives of others? carry on without me, i'll fill my own void.

candid camera

2007-11-20T12:54:00.000+08:00

can i say YEAH it's finally over. never have i failed so much in my entire academic career than in the past 2 years. so what makes me think i can make it? i don't; yet i'm still hopeful. whatever the outcome is, we don't have to think about it now. while i do appreciate how everyone's going "but you study so harddd!" and "really? you? how can you not make it?", you do not know. neither do i. whatever happens happens. meanwhile, i'll embrace my freedom.

the past two years has been nothing short of awesome. well, most of the time, i must add. i appreciate the company of shreeya who's done a wonderful job in making sure i'm not late for school everyday, lisa who never fails to entertain with her one of a kind out of this world antics eg, oh my god i dropped my chicken cutlet again, khalis when he's not playing dr jekyll/mr hyde and for all the education that may be of use some day. eugene bestfriend/tuition buddy, sheryl bimbo, may the ah lian, cassandra the man, amaluna, my lovely PW mates, shi ming and wai chung and the rest of 32A and some of 26B.

i do not regret the route nor the journey although who can deny it could have been ventured in a slightly different manner. i've acknowledged evident changes in myself lately and i do know the reason for the transformations, i'm just not admitting that i am flawed in many ways. i apologize if all i want to do at this point of time is to hide in a hole away from civilization and or be transported to a place where i can camouflage. this familiar misery will stay for as long as i do not get rid of the dysmorphia i burden myself with, i am aware of that. but for what it is worth, identifying the problem is the first step to resolving it. i'm working on it.

arbitrary constant

2007-11-17T21:12:00.000+08:00

just because i'm CHATTING with my 42-year-old UNCLE does not mean i'm desperate right??? yeah sure, tonight i feel so empty an companion-less, what with the whole HIKMAH 3 withdrawal-i watched the entire season okek like 40 discs with like 3 episodes each-back to back over a span of 3 days. now, i think i'm indonesian and totally wouldn't mind getting all dressed up complete with 2 inch worth of make up everyday. at least, for now i don't.

it's so funny how all the 40 something year old people in my family, mom and dad included, try to sound hip and everything by using cyber "shorthand" like " u 1 2 go jb?" for "do you want to go to jb" or "y fad oways 6" for "how come fadhilah is always sick". my mom smses without any use of punctuation, it's super difficult to comprehend and not to mention extremely confusing. AND, to be quite honest, i don't fancy shortforms and whatnot. i think they think it's cool.

my gp tutor says i'm too american and i was like err hello? have u even MET me? she thinks i'm too american because i spell skeptical with a "K" and globalization with a "Z" and say zee
instead of zed. i mean, seriously, is it my fault? i grew up watching sesame street and my laptop is an american brand (i think) and have this weird red underline thing that annoys the shit out of me whenever i spell something not the right or american way. so i'm sorry CAMBRIDGE!

someone's getting married under my block. i walked past and saw everyone helping out and talking, i feel so jealous. i wish someone in my family is getting married and that i can be involved in the preparation. wait, someone in the family IS getting married, soon in fact 23rd or 24th nov yo, and i AM involved. haha!

now, how can yesterday night so wonderfully remarkably heart-warming chills down the spine completely superbly extraordinary and today be so absolutely bleargh? i guess dreams will remain as dreams. i wish you would just tell me so i can tell you. i wish i could just tell you so you would know but then there's the risk of a non parallel response. a risk i just cannot take.

same old

2007-11-15T15:59:00.000+08:00

after i stepped out of that freezing exam hall, i was hit with this stinging pungent smell that left me nauseous and light-headed. it was something like a really really strong smell of watermellon skin, blended probably, mixed with chlorine and to be fair, mild ammonium. YUCK. like the smell, geography was bad. well, not totally beyond comprehension difficult but given my lack of vocabulary, bad's the only adjective i've got.

it is a rather unfortunate sight just to watch me feed my face with maggie which has again, unfortunately become a part of my diet. YUCK. maggie isn't even food. sure, there may be times when my head takes a vacation and i crave for it but i'm just always left alone at home with no potential item, food, that could perhaps fill my empty stomach. ridiculous as it is, i often have fantasies of being this girl, much like a princess, whose food will be delivered by oh just about anybody, i'm not that fussy. though it would just be splendid if it was mr prince charming. ahaha whats with the fairytale craze yo?! sadly, the only delivery i get is by mr macdonald's man. EW.

ah well, i'm fat and ugly. nothing much has changed. only maybe i grew a little taller. or so i tell myself.

anyway, this was how eid was spent.

sweet september

2007-09-13T14:50:00.000+08:00

while everyone else (well, lisa and shreebee) suffer diarrhea, i actually had to sit and constipate for about 10 minutes probably. when i finally got about moving my bowels, i realize i could have completed the entire macroeconomic syllabus.

it is the end of prelim 2 and A LOT has happened. not just to me of course because the world does not revolve around me. =)

speaking, the next time someone tells me i'm high maintenance, bratty, and anything collinear, i'm just going to say okay! thanks! in the chirpiest, sweetest manner, you are going to get diabetes.

ramadhan has been quite an experience. i look forward to nights of terawih and discovering all those years of jamaah prayers we've done as a family with my dad drilling all the surahs are actually still in tact. like, somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, i can still recite them despite not having done so for years. this discovery is truly comforting. even more comforting than the excitement of being the rebel who sits in front of this baby (laptop) dressed in bare minimum even though i know i have to be in school in like 8 minutes.

because it's september and everything, my brother has been watching this whole 9/11 reanactment documentary shit. usually, i sit and stare indifferent and unaffected by whatever the "victims" have to say about their "aggressors". and then came this part about some "hijackers manual" or something. excuse me if i'm being paranoid but from what i gathered, they were making it seem like this "hijackers manual" can be found in the stores and comes with the quran or something; every step the hijackers, any hijacker as the documentary portrayed, is guided with a self-interpretation of the quran. as if there is only ONE species of hijackers, ONE race that breeds voilence, ONE religion synonymous to TERRORISM. i say it's a load of bull. anyone of any religion, race, size, hair length can impose terror and cause destruction. we do not judge people. we judge individuals. for their actions and warped and distorted understanding of their religion and manipulating verses to suit their political agenda, i say SHAME ON THEM. but shame on you for collectively labeling the other muslims for the actions that we ourselves condemn, for defining terrorism as an act of terror excecuted by muslims.

i am arab AND muslim. i'm not a terrorist and i do sympathize. i do not condone acts of terror be it from the ku klux klan, the tamil tigers, al qaeda, or any other organization or person. the difference is, i do not hold personal grudges on the rest of the population just because they share the same eye color or just have something in common.

BUT, if you just HAVE to manifest prejudice because race jokes are always funny and everything, hey, call me al qaeda or whatever, i dont care but leave my religion alone.

how did this post get so personal? haha oh yeah i'm late. again.

but this time its different, i dont even feel the distance. i'm not missing you

i swear

2007-09-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

i MAY have many friends, boys and girls, but if i had a lover, there would only be one. if my loyalty is in question, dont doubt it.

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
(Oh, oh, oh, oh)
Oooo (oh, oh, oh, oh) oooo

Chemistry was crazy from the get-go
Neither one of us knew why
We didn't build nothing overnight
Cuz a love like this takes some time
People swore it off as a phase
Said we can't see that
Now from top to bottom
They see that we did that (yes)
It's so true that (yes)
We've been through it (yes)
We got real sh** (yes)
See baby we been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

I got a question for ya
See I already know the answer
But still I wanna ask you
Would you lie? (no)
Make me cry? (no)
Do somethin' behind my back and then try to cover it up?
Well, neither would I, baby
My love is only your love (yes)
I'll be faithful (yes)
I'm for real (yes)
And with us you'll always know the deal
We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

See this is real talk
I'm always stay (no matter what)
Good or bad (thick and thin)
Right or wrong (all day everyday)
Now if you're down on love or don't believe
This ain't for you (no, this ain't for you)
And if you got it deep in your heart
And deep down you know that it's true (come on, come on, come on)
Well, let me see you put your hands up (hands up)
Fellas tell your lady she's the one (fellas tell your lady she's the one, oh)
Put your hands up (hands up)
Ladies let him know he's got your love
Look him right in his eyes and tell him
We've been...

Too strong for too long (and I can't be without you baby)
And I'll be waiting up until you get home (cuz I can't sleep without you baby)
Anybody who's ever loved, ya know just what I feel
Too hard to fake it, nothing can replace it
Call the radio if you just can't be without your baby

Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh
Heeeeeeeeeeeey Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh

I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you
I wanna be with you, gotta be with you, need to be with you

ps my mommy thinks mary j blige is THA BOMB. well, not her exact words but i thought i ought to make her look a little cooler

public apology

2007-08-27T13:53:00.000+08:00

dear mdm zalinah aka THE gp teacher,

u are easily the coolest teacher in the entire universe. HANDS DOWN. i didnt mean to trick u into consuming the super triple SOUR candy, but it was just so tempting! u were innocently packing ur bag and looked like u needed something to perk ur day. thanks for playing along and being a good sport. now, assure me my misconduct, or of course u would see it as sheer great sense of humor being uber-cool-times-ten-to-the-power-of-ninety-nine-factorial, will not affect the grade i receive for the upcoming GP prelim. =)

please IJ teachers/staff, google this blog! hahaha

evil villian

2007-08-26T22:04:00.000+08:00

the sick and twisted person he is, my brother rushed out of his room like his life depended on it to ask if i was the one who just used the toilet. the rare occasion he steps out of this compound he calls his room, he announced, eyes dancing with morbid glee, heart racing with utmost bliss, that i have stepped on a baby lizard. it could have sworn he was the one who planted the freaky thing in the toilet knowing that the only one to return home and BATHE would be me. of course, i did NOT step on the lizard, be it baby or not. gross!

moving on, today, i was left alone with the tutor AGAIN because eugene and his friend was late. while this seems like nothing to those who dont share the same consensus, but i am convinced he is a wanted serial rapist or killer in like 7 states or something. the way he licks his lips, the way he dilates his eyes, the way he scratches the back of his head while tilting it just about 30 degrees NE direction, the way he holds his marker and the way his tshirt is just tight at the places where serial rapists/killers like it tight. for the entire 3 minutes i was alone with him, i refused to put down my bag in case i needed to make a run for my life, silently praying the others will come before he decides to like show his true colors. of course my mom thinks i have a vivid imagination and looks at me like i'm the moron who just told her i could fly.

best plan

2007-08-25T18:54:00.000+08:00

today was, like, a complete waste. i did wake up early to complete my tuition homework, though, so that was time well spent. except, i also traveled to pasir ris because my mom told me to follow ami abdullah and fam to auntie shifak's wedding (well, her son's). so it was 12ish when i reached and shera made maggie for me. i fell asleep somewhere in between and fast forward, it was 430 and amati fa and ami abdullah was still not back. we spent 5 to 540 searching for shera's passport (macam REFUGEE, missing passport and all) and then opps too late to go to the wedding. so basically i wasted my time and effort and journey. because i'm not going to the tahlil my dad is organizing, they sent me home. thats WOODLANDS by the way. ah well, what a way to waste a day right? considering prelims start in 2 weeks...

after all that, i find myself quite unaffected by the lack of organization, failed plans and all that. maybe i really have grown up. or maybe the whole thing was expected and prognosticated.

back stabber

2007-08-21T16:14:00.000+08:00

it so ironic that the household appliance i deem most useful and also consider my most favorite, the toaster (which might be my second favorite after we get a fruit juice mixer/blender) often throws tantrums at (is this the correct preposition?) me. see, half the time when i try to toast bread, bake hashbrown or sausages, i end up almost burning the house down. note: this is after i burn the bread/hashbrown/sausage to 2 cm worth of ash. of course this is NEVER, i repeat, NEVER entirely my fault. the toaster enjoys teasing me like that. or maybe something was upsetting it.

the ONE time i got around toasting the perfect shade of "golden brown" toast, the perfect texture and all, i ended up burning my finger. please mr toaster, why you got to be like that? (this is my hippyhop talk, yo) i wrapped ur little tray perfectly in aluminium foil and wipe ur little window with alcohol wipes, i thought u'd like that. tell me what i did wrong...

personification or WHAT?

theater studies

2007-08-18T15:39:00.000+08:00

dear mrs geography teacher,

i admit i was acting cute when i attempted evoke pity to your mind by telling you we only have only a half hour break for the day and your extending the period makes our stomach implore mercy. i admit i was acting cute once again when i tried to cover the asses (pardon my language) of my fellow geography mates, whom i am in charge of, being "madam geography rep" and all, on the perfect "act cute" pretext that i'm the backbone of the class; hence my absence led to their truancy from the test. given the fact that the last time i flashed my act cute smile to get out of answering a question (not because i didn't know the answer, i just don't like being questioned or giving answers for that matter) was futile, i knew i maxed out on act cute passes; thus, i made no effort to elude from not doing one tutorial. and. you threw me out of the class. hahaha. you can't deny though, that i am/was a good student, right? right?

PEACE!

cold blood

2007-08-14T23:24:00.000+08:00

with the world map hung in the back ground, my dead, dark, merciless, ruthless eyes, black hijjab and all, i look like a terrorist, dont i? hahah..all i'm missing is a weapon...dont be fooled; the red flower back there, can spurt poisonous red liquid that proved fatal...

say cheese!

2007-08-13T18:46:00.000+08:00

ok first, CONDENSED TIME TABLE MY FOOOT!

what kind of "condensed timetable" ends at 6, you tell me?

next, is it me or are guys in general becoming more and more gay? what guy writes "ytd was LOVE <3?" with the <3, RIDZWAN? what guy refuses to answer my call because he decided to back out of hernie's party at the eleventh hour, HAKIM? what guy makes us wait for 1 hour just so he can watch TOTALLY SPIES, EUGENE? pretty amusing, to me at least. HAHAHA

so hernie's surprise party was just a ball of great fun right (if i do say so myself, haha). mal, dinah and alif are just world class at being sneaky and she suspected nothing. we had balloons and self made banner for decor and ice cream cake and barbequed food for well, food and twister and and poker cards and five stones for games and strawberry shortcake goodie bags, the whole enchilada. i thought it was awesome really, the amount of time mal and deen dedicated for celebrating the birthday of one of my bestest best friend is truly inspired (i wasnt that much help because of stupid school and tests and suffocating timetable). izzi was such a good photographer really, 200 pictures, happy downloading my friends!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

COS WE ARE BEST FRIENDS

PARTY PEOPLE

SO I'M A GUY STUCK IN A GIRLS BODY

silver lining

2007-08-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

truth be told: life has been quite hard lately. what, with every event, itinerary, affair bordering on nebulous as to which takes precedence over the other. while i'm fully aware my current priority is to be a good student, focused on school work and related, does that give me a right to ignore flesh and blood? as taboo is to girls' sheesha-ing in my/some society, is it to questioning the worth of the fight, hassle to see the father i've not met for 3 months? it burns my flesh while sending chills to my spine that i have to sit and consider the significance of the persons who brought me up, the people whom i love and care over piles of paper. pathetic is how they need not necessarily appear second to none on the list of descending importance.

my sincere apologies to the multifarious groups of people whose friendship i treasure like bags of diamonds (i SWEAR). for i was busy allying events with one group while out with another. the way my preoccupied mind abandons my physical being. of course, i am only human with ONE body obviously. pardon my lack of skills at multi tasking. again, remeber i AM only human.

lately, everyone, particularly those i've not seen for a significant amount of time, would comment on my weightloss. while it elates me on the inside to massive extents, i do not feel thin(er), which, sparked a question, was i really that fat/that much fatter before this apparently-existing-but-not-felt weightloss?

AND THENNNN, my dad just HAD to spoil the happiness.
DAD: mama said u've lost weight
me: (almost beaming with unmentionable happiness)
DAD: but tak pun. ure still chubby.
me: tsk!

BUT...when life gets tough and painful, i look up to the blue blue sky and smile with glee at the significance of the higher being, He who creates joy and pain and the amazing beyond words world and all that constitute it.

p/s if everyone HAS to know, i get rashes when/if i dont put powder on my neck/arms/body. so if u see white stain on my tshirt, DONT freak out or alert some "ohmygodshehaswhitestain" police please. it's only powder.